‘What Do Boundaries Feel Like?’
This is a question I often see posed on codependency websites, pages, or groups. Afterward, a bullet point list generally presented that does little to nothing to describe ‘feelings.’ The question itself has always left me feeling a little unsettled, nervous, and even a bit fearful. I believe in Live and Let Live, so it’s none of my business what others think or feel on an educational platform. But I do have an opinion on the matter than might make me look iconoclastic. That’s not a bad thing, per se, but I don’t want to be judgmental about it. Hence, my apprehension. Geez, why does anyone say, What Do Boundaries “feel” like, but then go on to say what they ‘think’? Check it out. What is the dictionary definition of a feeling?
feel·ing
/ˈfēliNG/
Noun:
1. an emotional state or reaction.
Exp: "a feeling of joy."
2. a belief, especially a vague or irrational one.
Exp: "she had the feeling that she was being watched."
Adjective:
showing emotion or sensitivity.
Exp: “She had a warm and feeling heart."
Now let’s get back to the bullet points attending the question “what do boundaries feel like?” They typically go on to describe rules for relationships, AKA “boundaries vaguely." Here’s my disclaimer: The way I view topics in recovery life is probably best described as the Minority Opinion. Having revealed that, I would like to tear apart and reconstruct the bullet point descriptions.
First of all, I think what they mean is, “What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like? “Boundaries” can be good or bad, healthy, or unhealthy; if they want to talk about what healthy boundaries ‘feel’ like, the list would have to be drastically altered.
Okay, here we go:
· “It is not my job to fix others.” Agreed, unless one has been assigned that task in agreement, such as with a therapist. While we might protect someone, such as a child or someone vulnerable, it is still not our job to “fix” them.
· “It is okay if others get angry.” What does “okay” mean? For me, it’s okay to stay peaceful, centered, and grateful even when others are exhibiting feelings of anger. Their feelings of anger or joy are none of my business to judge, so their anger is not “okay" or “not okay.” Taking someone else’s inventory without being asked to do so is a can to gossip, and is an unhealthy boundary.
· “It is okay to say no.” Agreed, if the thing we are saying ‘no’ to is an illusory reflection of our healthy sensibilities. Even if our “no” is unreasonable, we still have a right to be irrational from time to time. When we realize we made a mistake and hurt ourselves or others, that’s what amends are made for. It is hard to say “no” to people who are demanding, narcissistic, or who are in positions of authority. But sometimes we have to say “no” anyway. It takes courage to say no.
· “It’s not my job to take responsibility for others.” An over-inflated sense of responsibility often obscures a person suffering from codependency from seeing what their responsibility for others is or is not. My responsibility “to” people with healthy boundaries differs from my responsibility “for” people with healthy boundaries. One can be responsible for a vulnerable adult or child, but being accountable to others or for others is contingent upon the mutual spoken or unspoken agreements into which they have entered.
· “I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others.” Agreed, in healthy relationships, people are capable of self-advocacy. Focusing on one’s own needs sets the stage for healthy relationships. If one is healthy, for example, one can contribute healthily within any given relationship, professional or personal. The proverbial plane going down comes to mind. When the oxygen masks drop down from there compartments, and an unhealthy person would go about helping others affix their oxygen masks before attaching their own. Riding a sick horse is not wisdom.
· “It is my job to make me happy.” Now here, a lot of people would probably disagree with me. While I do believe that happiness is a choice based on willingness to be happy, the dynamics of choice in my life emanate from my willingness to be in a healthy relationship with my Higher Power. It is none of my business what others think of me, and it is not my business what I think of myself. My only business is what my Higher Power thinks of me. My Higher Power always thinks and feels in connection to my (our: HP & Me) highest good. For me, choosing to be happy amid difficulty and choosing to be satisfied while everything seems to be going well are equal propositions. “It’s my job to make me happy” is to turn my will in my life over to the care of God as I understand God. Being happy with my defects of character happens when I surrender my shortcomings to my Higher Power. That is when I become willing to let God remove all of my defects of character, and choose to be happy when the deficiencies remain. I trust that their presence is required in my life. Why my imperfections are required is none of my business; it is my business to trust that it is so. Forgiveness always runs deeper than the offense which requires its presence. Without an offense, there is no forgiveness. Therefore, I should celebrate the offense through forgiveness, just like grief is proof of praise for a thing I love.
· “Nobody has to agree with me.” Agreed. Nor do I have to agree with anyone else. I don’t even have to agree with myself. I have a right to change my mind, just like everybody else. As the poet W.H. Auden wrote, “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”
· “I have a right to my own feelings.” I agree with this one. Love is a feeling, a noun, and a verb who made peace with one another. People erroneously say that “feelings are not facts.” It would be hard for me to disagree with this more than I do. “Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things,” e.e. cummings wrote, “will never wholly kiss you.” I feel, therefore, I think I Am.
· “I am enough.” Always, even when I don’t feel or think I am at any given moment! Even in times of despair, bear in mind, ‘This Too Shall Pass’. The real question is, “Who am I?” If I am a person who ‘know(s) thyself’, and I am a person who can be myself no matter what, then it is time to remove my shoes, because I am treading on Sacred Space. Find out who you are, then be precisely who you are.
I want to leave you with a quote by Marianne Williamson.
Who am I? Who are YOU? Who are WE?