A cop someone once worked with told her that his life had become so painful that he took out his service revolver, placed the barrel in his mouth, cocked the hammer, and placed his finger on the trigger. At the moment of truth, staring death directly in the face, an image appeared to him of his children. At that moment, he chose life. He chose life when the love of his children replaced his desire to die. And for the first time in many years, he began to cry. The sadness of suicidality killed off what wasn’t needed in his life. Perhaps he ‘died to self.’
I read and listened to many books when going through the Dark Night of the Soul. In one, Pema Chodron said, “Bodhicitta is our heart–our wounded heart. Right down there in the thick of things, we discover the love that will not die. This love is bodhicitta. It is gentle and warm; it is clear and sharp; it is open and spacious. The awakened heart of bodhicitta is the basic goodness of all beings.”
Zen made a lasting impact on my connection to Jesus, the Beginning AND the End. A Zen Master’s oldest disciple had died, the one who had been with him the longest and whom he had designated as his successor. At the funeral, while giving the eulogy, the Master broke down and cried. Later, a visiting monk said: “Life and death have no beginning and no end. Why do you cry?” The Master said: “He was my oldest disciple; if I don’t cry now, when am I supposed to?”
When struggling with meaning, I wrote poetry and journaled to contemplate coming or going.
Deep within all of us is this love that will not die, for it is Grief as Praise. Martín Prechtel said that sweet spot produces the gift of tears, Holy Water if you will, the tears that cleanse our soul.
