MARY JO R., MY SPIRITUAL ADVISER (AKA SPONSOR) ASKED ME TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING AND SAY, "TIMOTHY, I LOVE YOU". WHY?
SHE KNEW I WAS STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AFTER PUBLICLY SPEAKING OF DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE AND KILLING A CHILD (8/15/1977). I FELT HORRIBLE GUILT. SOBRIETY MEANT NO SUBSTANCE TO ANESTHETIZE MY PAIN!. I HAD TO FEEL EVERYTHING…WITH NOWHERE TO HIDE.
I COULD NO LONGER ‘ANESTHETIZE’ MYSELF WITH ‘DRINK OR DRUG’ IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF WHEN CONSIDERING RECOVERY; WHILE I WAS NOT DRINKING TO ‘ESCAPE’, (WHO ‘ESCAPES’ INTO HELL?) I DID GET TO AVOID FEELINGS OF REALITY AND DULLED MY CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE MEANING OF CONSEQUENCES. WHILE I THOUGHT THE IDEA OF ‘MIRROR THERAPY’ SOUNDED RIDICULOUS. IT REMINDED ME OF SOME POP-PSYCHOLOGY DRIVEL BS (sorry, just what crossed my mind at the time), I DEEPLY RESPECTED HER COURAGE AND WISDOM AND AGREED TO TRY IT THE FOLLOWING MORNING.
The first time I spoke to the mirror, I immediately spewed expletives about how I felt about myself. I was shocked! I hated myself! I felt like I was damaged goods for having been abused as a child. I felt that killing a child made me worthless. So for 8 years, I looked in the mirror daily and told myself that I loved myself.
One day (eight years later), I finally meant it! I loved myself! My spirit face was shining and the old Timothy was nowhere to be found. Loving others as I love myself was finally possible (part of God-Esteem)! I ran down to the Maplewood Alano Club to share my joy of not being able to see the "convicted felon" in the mirror anymore!
I quickly approached about a dozen people who were smoking a cigarette outside the club before the meeting. I loudly announced my accomplishment & joy. In a very excited tone, I said, "Check out this shi_! You're gonna love this shi_! I looked in the mirror this morning and said, "Timothy, I LOVE you!" and I MEANT it!"
HA! I probably sounded like Joel Olsteen or something. Everyone looked at me a little weirdly but said nothing. Then a female friend of mine took a hit off of her cigarette, blew smoke into the air, and then said sarcastically, "What! You gonna kiss yourself, too?!"
Well, most likely she didn't know what Mirror Therapy was. I did not feel hurt by her response. I had paid some serious dues to heal and I was not about to let a flippant answer undo my hard-earned spiritual progress. I knew she simply did not know any better.
It took me eight years, but it took her 2. Maybe my experience saved her some time in the process?
Guess what? A couple of years later, she came to me and apologized for her comment. She had come to a point in her life of grasping self-forgiveness. Truth is, she didn't owe me an apology, She MIGHT have owed herself one, though.
Spiritual progress is an inside job. Go make friends with your mirror, then pay it forward.
