Resentments Are the #1 Offender
A scar and a resentment look curiously identical to the untrained eye. The fundamental difference between a scar and resentment is, first and foremost, that resentments are *1 Sanable Scars. Resentments are a form of insanity, and unless taken seriously, undermine a willing restoration to sanity. Dwell on the above word 'difference' for a moment. It's in the Serenity Prayer. No matter where we are on the continuum of recovery, from Step 1 to Step 12, "…the wisdom to know the difference" is sought after (through prayer and meditation) by almost everyone in The Rooms.
'Waste not, want not' was a phrase my grandmother repeated often enough, but I minimized its import until I realized she wasn't saying it only because she went through The Great Depression. I remember reading that it is wise to be thankful for ALL things, not just the good stuff, because, as Bill W. pointed out frequently in his talks, "In God's Economy, nothing is wasted." It's a timeless truth. Some Native American tribes hunted buffalo and would use the sacred animal's body, in its entirety, wasting nothing. After killing the beast, tobacco or prayer would be offered to thank the animal's spirit for helping them stay alive.
So what is resentment, and why is it considered the grand torpedo to recovery? It seems clear to many of us that the road to destruction is paved with anger, resentment, and rage (redundant, right?). You've probably already heard that *2'resentment' comes from the French to 're-feel.' We remember and re-feel harm done to us or that we've done to others. Frequently, we allow an offender to 'live rent-free' in our heads until we exercise them through Steps 4,5 and 6. FYI, historical harms to others generally find remedy in Steps 8 & 9.
An Old Timer quoted The Buddha about resentments, and it stuck with me. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
Suppose you explored and identified (ran a Virus Scan) of your resentments or defects of character in Step 4, and then exposed them to the light of love in Step 5 (purge the viruses from your computer), and then became in Step 6 ENTIRELY READY to LET GO (get out of your own way/quit reinstalling viruses on your hard drive) and then LET GOD remove ALL of your defects of character (this is where the proverbial rubber meets the road). In that case, you are ready to HUMBLY ask God to remove these shortcomings. If you asked and the shortcomings remain, then evidently, God may want them to hang around for a while, if for no other reason than to keep you humble and not take recovery for granted.
Real sunshine comes from the inside out.
Now, you are about halfway done; a new freedom and happiness (an Attitude of Gratitude) can replace the root of bitterness that helped burn your life down. "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln"
I once occasioned to read a sacred script on an obelisk in a cemetery that touched my heart. It read that the faults of our loved ones, we write in water, but their virtues, we carve in marble.
As the Big Book reads, we are not perfect but are willing to grow along spiritual lines. But if you're like the vast majority of people in recovery, you are sometimes painfully aware of your imperfections. But the good news is that since we already know and *3 ACCEPT that we're not perfect, we don't shoot our wounded (wounded people wound people, and healed people heal people). The point is to grow along spiritual lines. Growing means HOPE and reminding ourselves and others through the Fellowship of who we are, focusing more on our virtues than our faults.
Here's another quote I heard from an Old Timer. It's a William Blake quote:"
"I sought my God and my God I couldn't find;
I sought my soul, and my soul eluded me;
I sought to serve my brother in his need, and I found all three;
My God, my soul, and thee."
Lastly, I would like to leave you with this definition of Friendship as I heard it related in a meeting somewhere along the line. "A friend is someone who learns your song and then sings it back to you when you've forgotten it." You, my friends, loved me until I could love myself. For me, my HP is God, and God is Love. Thanks for passing on the love instead of the resentments.
Remember, if you wanna keep it, you gotta give it away. Today, be the reason someone feels loved.
*1 Sanable: From Latin sanabilis, from sanare ("to heal"), from sanus ("sound, healthy"). Explore' sanity' in Step 2.
*2 ressentir "feel pain, regret," from Old French resentir "feel again, feel in turn"
*3 From the Serenity Prayer and from Dr. Paul in the Big Book…to accept the things we cannot change…and that acceptance is the answer to all of our problems today.