Attack of the Killer Self

“What is required for many of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotage.” ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Dumb Questions of the Day:  Have you ever been upset?  Have you ever rehearsed or re-re-re-re-rehearsed an argument in your mind?  Have you ever thought about something you don’t like or don’t want?  Have you ever thought, “Why do I do that shit!” If so, QUIT ATTACKING YOURSELF!  A punishing mind is rewarded by its own recriminations.  The part of us we claim is “good” is calling the other part, “bad.”  We erroneously think that we kill the good in us if we quit attacking the “bad” part of ourselves.  Like after nearing ones’ bottom in addictive behavior, one's last hope is to hate the hater, because if we hate the hate, it proves we still have something good and loving to hold onto.  But until our hope dies, the addiction survives.  It survives on the judgment we feed to it, much like the Good Wolf/Bad Wolf analogy.

If you continue to think about things you don’t like or want, you’ll get more of it.  Your mind will eventually eat itself into a state of sickness; your spirit will puke the poison out, and give you a chance to eat something more healthy.  But how many of us go back to the vomit and sniff it, savor it in anger, proving to ourselves how wrong it is?  Some people relive a past injustice interminably.  Like a dog returning to its vomit to lap it up dutifully, a person caught in the quagmire of resentment will reinvest in its excrement until they die.

You have heard that forgiveness serves the one who forgives.  The offender might not deserve or even want forgiveness, but because we deserve peace, we forgive, notwithstanding the temperature of our hearts.

Clean up the poison & wreckage of your past, whether as an offender (forgive yourself) or as a victim; remove the stain if possible, and do it with a song of gratitude to your heart.

Poison serves a purpose, or it would not exist.  Don’t misuse your lessons to attack yourself.  One you acquire peace of mind, then pass it on.  You can’t keep it if you don’t give it away.  Repetition is the mother of all learning.

Don’t rest on your laurels.

The Most Secure Prison is the One We Construct for Ourselves & "Our Deepest Fears."

The Most Secure Prison is the One We Construct for Ourselves & "Our Deepest Fears."

Doing time in The Big House, much of it in isolation, taught me how to enjoy less, more.  I've learned to notice and magnify the little thing in life, for good or for bad.  

Extending back to my childhood, it was always the little things or subtleties that captured and raptured my attention.  A leaf trembling under the weight of the industrious ant. Birds tilting their heads at their fellows. Lights on blades of grass reflecting into my peering eye. Shadows dancing like bullets on the sidewalk from a passing train; upcurled lips revealed in a smiles from strangers watching me watch them; hands caressing money in stores as people pay for products; cats peering from behind furniture waiting to pounce on passers-by; laughter from my mouth as I leapt into huge piles of autumn leaves.  Everyone tends to hide in the theater of life, to wear social masks of so-called protection, which ironically becomes a private prison when one loses sight beyond the mask.  Money is a mask, sometimes, as can be possessions, but the love of money is to become the mask.
 
Fast-forward through lessons beyond time and space:  1981, grief-stricken, I died of a broken heart in prison. My physical heart stopped beating; I felt my spirit exit my physical body.  My spirit body was standing in the cell.  When I realized I 'gave up the ghost' if you will, I fought back against the grief, and thought, "NO!"  My spirit snapped back in my body, my heart restarted, and I jumped up from the concrete slab in that Death Row isolation cell  (I was not on Death Row...they were just inflicting mental torture on me because I was a rebellious pain in the arse) and paced back and forth in that cell.  I lost all interest in physical possession that day, and nobody could ever have power over me by "taking away" material items ever again. 
 
Now I am in the Free World of masks and magnets, some visible, some not.  And I usually see myself clearly enough not to partake of this illusion.  I see through my BS quickly, which allows me to be free from other's intellectual shortcomings, too.  But I realize how long I have enjoyed less, more, but made the mistake of internationalizing, or expecting, less.  I can't have a cabin up north or have nice things because it's selfish (a part of me believes this still).  But this self-imposed prison of limitation for loving expansion is loosening its hold, and the straight-jacket mentality is finding its own personal Houdini. 
 
I'm calling to mind a quote from Marianne Williamson: 
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
 
The pacing of the caged animal feels it limitation and rages from time to time, and this madness ends up scaring others who do not understand what to do about it.  But I say to you, if you love someone, you will not hurt them.  Love one another.  Find a new way to love when you wake up in your personal prison of distrust.  Never let your relative innocence brainwashed you into thinking the world is less than love.  Ignite each other's spirit, and embrace the light NOW.  Don't wait until you die to wake up and move toward the light, unless it is selfishness that does the dying.
 
 
And so it is. 

Adam & Eve, Dualistic Mind, and Zen (random thoughts)

In Western terminology, The Tree of Good and Evil might be an apt description of the Dualistic Mind. Metaphorically speaking, eating from the KNOWLEDGE of the ToG&E is the trap so many fall into. Satan is the Father of all lies and no truth is in him. EGO (Edging God Out) is a metaphor for Satan. "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die." Before EGO, Adam & Eve could not die, for they were not flesh & blood (yet). All the dualistic mind can point to is illusion or lie. But in the Godly Mind, all things are pure. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God" (ACIM). In Zen, the dualistic mind is also considered a trap which it creates itself, not to be confused with the snake eating its own tail. To break free of dualiism, one might hit one's bottom or have some other form of a spiritual experience.  In Zen, a flash of light occurs (Satori) and the person is free of dualism. They are awakened.

The World Needs Your Love

The world needs your love. I try to live by this motto. I often get distracted when I perceive any shortcomings within myself that others might not like, but my love of self and others has to be in harmony. When young, I quit reading for over a year, because of being bullied over my vocabulary. I vowed to never read another book for the rest of my life.

Years passed, and a so-called friend said he would be killed or raped in prison if I did not send him money immediately, so I robbed a store. I got caught and years later, found out he lied and just wanted money. At the time he asked for it, I had sold everything I owned for pot and alcohol. I had a mattress on the floor and one rickety dining room table and no means to pay my next month's rent. I had tapped-out everyone who cared about me at all, and my employment checks (I had two job to support my habit) I had just cashed.

I will not cover all of the shitty decisions I made in life over my severe codependency and contaminated criminal justifications, but it was everything to me to help others in need...even when the needs were Sick Needs.

So you see, I made a choice to these things and that's my responsibility to own it. But I will point out that when a plant is in the basement with one window and it grows toward the light at a 45 degree angle, it does not mean the plant should be destroyed or given up on because it looks hunched-over and sickly, growing at a bizarre angle. The plant is doing what its genetic DNA coded it to do, and that is to grow toward the light. The same is true with the Sunlight of the Spirit. It can shine through prison walls, but no one comes out of prison the way they went in. But the solution? Rather than freak out when you see your fellow crooked and bent over, expose "it" (LOL!) to normal lighting and over time, guess what, it will self-correct. Surround it with love and light and see what happens, but don't expect instant gratification for change.

Me, I did not have a drinking problem, I had a thinking problem. Drinking was but a symptom. I replaced the drinking with the decision to surrender everything to a loving Higher Power and surround my consciousness with those who resonated with that light and Love.

If you love someone, you will not hurt them. If you love yourself, you will place yourself in harm's way, either. Love others as you love yourself, but REALLY love yourself. If your love of self is ill, and you love others as you love yourself, you are not doing anyone any favors by loving them as you love yourself. So, if you love others, you will love yourself. Lastly, if you love someone, you will serve them. Thank you for letting me serve you. God is Love. Love is my religion and action is my Gospel.

"REST, MY CHILD" Chapter 22 from the Book of Miracles

“I have a rendezvous with Death at some disputed barricade.” 

Alan Seeger (American Poet)

I recount the following story with sincere gratitude, for it is surely true that I would not have endured the grave ordeal without the help of a loving God.

There are times in life when some of us, wittingly or unwittingly, make destructive choices, and the resultant paths we travel spring from tethered, damaged tendrils planted deep within our minds.  Sometimes those passageways are relentless, and lead one down to the very gates of intense suffering, even to the dark gates of hell on earth (and hopefully, not beyond).  CS Lewis said that the door to hell is opened only from the inside, but Jesus spoke to me from the sacred place that is within all of us, if we would but listen.

Those who know what this is ‘hell’ is like can attest to experiencing consequences so traumatic that we might even contemplate suicide as a viable means of escaping.  To the readers who do not yet believe in God, I suspect you will not accept a miraculous ‘premise’ and therefore ‘file’ the conclusion.  Believe what you will.  Sometimes a person experiences a psychosomatic torture and suffering so dark, that one might undergo a complete psychotic break.  I now know that in such times, we either have a breakdown or a breakthrough.  Whatever the definition of terms, let it suffice to say that I did not submit myself to psychological or pharmacological treatment to relieve me of the abysmal bondage I will describe herein; rather, I reached out through prayer.

1st Incarceration

As a young person of 14 years, I was already drinking alcoholically, smoking marijuana, and sniffing lighter fluid, underarm aerosols, magic markers, gasoline and more.  By the age of 16, I started stealing cars and “Joy Riding”.  I was arrested and convicted in juvenile court for UUMV (Unauthorized Use of a Motor Vehicle) and was incarcerated in the Minnesota juvenile correctional facility in Lino Lakes, Minnesota.

While in Lino Lakes, I “attempted” to escape on eleven occasions.  I ate, breathed, and slept escape.  I acquired the dubious distinction for failed escapes, a record that was unlikely broken.  During one escape attempt, I was running breakneck speed for the fence.  I heard yelling and cheering, stopped, turned around and saw a bunch of my fellow boys from Lino encouraging my success.  It made me mad that they were cheering, because if security personnel had not known I was running for the fence, they certainly knew now.  I managed to get over the fence and hid in a field behind a local business.  I surrendered when the German Sheppard they were tracking me with approached. 

After each attempted escape, I was ‘locked-down’ in solitary confinement, which consisted of an antiseptic white room, wherein a bed was bolted to the floor.  The room afforded the convenience of a toilet/sink located within a few feet of the bed.  The door to the room was of a thick metal construction that had a narrow, tall Plexiglas window in it.  When staff would make security rounds, if you happened to be sitting on the commode, you would have the misfortune to lock eyes with the surprised staff member.  It was humiliating. 

Because I spent every free moment scheming on and attempting to break out, I spent most of my time, about two years, in “Solitary Confinement.”  One night I had a dream that I successfully escaped.  Sure enough, on my 12th break for freedom, I did escape.  After getting away, I spent the next two weeks getting high and drunk, thus attracting the attention of the authorities.  Courtesy of law enforcement officials, I promptly returned to Lino Lakes. 

Back in solitary confinement, I spent many a night with my face pressed against the cold tinseled-steel security screen, which protected the double-paned, two-inch thick Plexiglas windows.  I would stare for hours, watching vehicle headlights pass by on the distant highway.  I knew those cars had human souls in them.  I would hold my breath, press my ear against the screen, and strain to hear the faint sound of vehicles driving by.  Maybe I was hoping to feel some remote sense of connection to the possibility of a caring, yet apparently unconscious world.  Their little headlights served as my only link to humanity.  I poignantly felt how much no one knew I was alive.  I poignantly felt how much no one knew I was alive.  They were like an infectious absence. 

Here is where my plight became dreadful.  I am not sure if “the dark side” was pummeling my mind, or if I was only encountering a severe psychological problem stemming from a stress-filled existence.  What I do know is, when I would close my eyes to rest or sleep, it began with my seeing a baseball moving slowly toward my face.  Over time, the ball's speed would accelerate.  When flying toward my face, it seemed so real that I would snap my eyes open in utter anxiety.  My adrenaline would be pumping, and my heart would be racing.  The trembling from fear made my skin feel cold and clammy. 

Progressively, I was sleeping less and less well.  The battering against my mind and soul was progressive.  Over time, the baseballs turned into long, sharp knives, which later became long shards of broken glass, all coming straight toward me, giving me no peace.  Before long, I started hearing glass breaking in my mind.  I felt desperately insane when I started to feel blood oozing from the glass cutting my brain.

One night when I closed my eyes, I saw a dark vision of Adolph Hitler.  In this apparition, his eyes were sinister and foreboding.  He was staring at me, beckoning me with his hands to come to him.  I snapped my eyes open in terror, grasping my head. 

Toward the end of my desperation, I had not slep for several days, and I was in constant torment from the noise of glass breaking in my mind.  I had the constant feeling of being wrapped in and surrounded by conscious darkness.

I did not trust staff enough to tell them of my desperation.  However, there was a young man, a counseling intern, whom I believed in a little bit.  I described to him what was going on with me, and asked him to promise me that he would not tell anyone.  He said he would not tell anyone, but he did tell.  Later that day, staff questioned me as to my state of my mind; I denied any problem whatsoever.  Staff informed me that they were planning to conduct a hearing to determine my state of mind and possible need for psychiatric care.  I felt betrayed by the intern for squealing, but I realized he was just following his conscience.

That night, I was finally desperate enough to make the torment end, and I considered ending my life.  Although I was an agnostic, as I lay there in bed, I clasped my hands in prayer, and with the gift of desperation, said, “God, if you are real, please help me”!  I then heard an audible, gentle voice say three words that I will never forget, “Rest, my child.”  I immediately fell into a peaceful sleep.

“Deep beauty breaks itself inside the heart; the world breaks heartshells and afterward, excellent 'strongs' appear as broken beauties, many.” Gibran

The following morning, I awakened with sunlight on my face, feeling refreshed and serene.  I remember being astonished that I had slept.  Then I listened for those familiar awful sounds.  I heard only the faintest little tinkling of glass fading away into the void, and I was finally and entirely free of the torment. 

I never again had to bear another blood-curdling noise or see another horrifying image.  The malady was utterly gone, and I was immensely grateful.  I thanked God and even began reading the Holy Bible. 

I told the staff of what I considered a miracle, and they officially responded that I was perhaps suffering from mental instability, except the young male intern, whom I believe was a Christian.  He at first looked afraid, but as he looked at me, the expression on his face visibly changed, perhaps because he had eyes to see.  His eyes cleared and calmed as the muscles in his face relaxed.  He gave me a little smile.

Here I am more than 30 years later, feeling as grateful today as I did the night I heard that gentle voice say "Rest, My Child."  My experience says to me that “Yes, there is a God."  I believe God can restore minds to their rightful states if we would only humble ourselves and pray for help.  Sometimes, we have no healing, because we do not ask for it.  God waits at the door with love.  If you are suffering, but do not believe in God, what will you do?  Will YOU give God a chance?

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28 (KJV)

© Timothy G Cameron, January 2011

2017: Another Year with MADD

The Wisdom of Forgiveness & Celebration of Speaking for MADD

January marks my 26th full year as a MADD Speaker.  I've worked very hard to effect change in our society surrounding alcoholic-impaired decisions, especially in relation driving.  But more than this, I've worked to overcome resistance to self-care through an Education of the Heart.  When people care about themselves, they care about others, too.  While self-love is not a prerequisite to loving others, it sure makes loving others run deeper when we come from that deep place of healing that self-love brings to the fore.  I also pursue Forgiveness-Consciousness societally.  Ironically, forgiveness cannot transpire unless there is an offense to forgive.  The good news is that forgiveness is more impactful than the wound from which it grew. To quote Oprah, "Make your wounds your wisdom."   

New Year's Resolutions

1) To not self-sabotage, and 2) write daily until one of my books is completed.

Upon Awakening with a Good Attitude.

My Beloved advised me years ago, to "Reach into the PART of yourself" that is delighted about (any given point of perceived) difficulty. For example, getting up in the morning without hitting the Snooze Button, going to work, facing another encounter with paying bills, seeing a family member or old friend with whom there has been a 'falling out,' going to a job interview or Performance Review, etc.  This has been a very useful piece of advice, for it serves me well on a consistent basis.  In other words, it is predictable.  It always works.  It's called a Good Attitude.  
Good attitudes are like forgiveness; it's most useful when one does not want to do it.  What good is a positive attitude when life is free & easy, when things are going our way? A joyful perspective in a banquet doesn’t count. A good attitude when life hands you lemons, counts.  People sometimes confuse happiness, which is a choice, with a good attitude.  A person need not be happy when having a good attitude.  When we lose a loved one and are in deep grief, a good attitude means not burying oneself and loved ones in pain, too.  Children still need to be fed; bills need paying, plants still need water, etc.  Life goes on.  So we continue to hug our loved ones, feed the children, go to work, water the plants, and pay the bills.  To me, that is at least PART of what it means to have a right attitude.   
No one I have ever met or known is 100% 'good'.  Please bear with me as seek clarification down the Rabbit Hole of Quotes: Jesus said, “Call no man good”.  “We are all like the bright moon, we still have our darker side,” said Kahlil Gibran.  “There is some good in the worst of us and some bad in the best of us” (Possible Teutonic Origin).  But finally, ”The good is the enemy of the best” (popularized by Voltaire).  We 'settle' for less.  But sometimes “settling for the good” is the “best” we can do, and at those times, we suck it up and move into our day, giving our best to the world.  In my mind, Dr. Paul Ohliger contemplated a coalition of the above quotations, thusly:  "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake...unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
Alas, Kahlil Gibran reflected, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.”
When the going gets tough, try the Up Look.  God's love never changes on the bad days.  God must have a Great Attitude.

Unbreakable (CS Lewis)

I have been thinking that I need to write an article about forgiveness.  I usually look for a quote to attend my muse and often get sequenced like a feather on a breeze:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Drop the Blamethrower into an Ocean of Love.

Everything is perfect.  Don't waste your life-giving power to the dark side of existence.  If you spend your precious time thinking about things you don't want or don't like, you are pain-ting your future. Rather, look for the message when things look down.  Try the Up Look, put on your God Glasses, and set the truth free from the inside-out.  Heaven surrounds us completely, and we are never alone.  If we prayed for the removal of our defects and yet they remain, then they remain for a divine purpose.  TRUST God, clean house & help others.  Chop wood and carry water.  

Hints

Coincidences?  I awoke at 8:19 AM this morning, naturally, without an alarm.  The Gia tv show that had been playing ended right after I woke up.  Just then, the humidifier ran out of distilled water and beeped a complaint that it needed refilling.  That's when I looked at the clock and noted the time, and just so you know, 8/19 is my sober date.  Maybe I am supposed to pay attention to recovery stuff today?  I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe in Higher Coincidences, maybe.  Out of the mouths (events) of two or three witnesses, all things shall be established.

Mean-ing

Forgiveness makes space for peace.

by Timothy Cameron

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Autumnal Alignment, October 27th, 2016

Timely breeze snag ten trillion leaves

Aligning choral trees in vibrant season frieze Birch, Aspen, Pine amidst silvical highlights Brittle songs swirl around our happy feet

Collecting anew, sweet summer's death, Aromas rise from earth's ancient breast Inhaled memories, exhale To create more moments like these

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About

Timothy Cameron is a widely acclaimed public speaker and writer. He lives in the Corcoran neighborhood in Minneapolis.

12/4/16, 1:00 PM:  RABBIT HOLE:  Living in the mystic mystery is more important than "Know Thyself". Once we know, we don't ask, learn or grow. UNKNOW THYSELF is a great place to start. Yes, I understand the value of finding out who we are and then being courageous about being who we are, but the sense of self, when identified as KNOWLEDGE, Kills the Question, kills the faith. Flying blind is a beautiful art.  12/4/16, 12:00 AM:  More Random Thought:  I've heard many descriptions of depression over the years, but one that stuck with me is that depression is anger turned inward. True in some cases, I'm sure, but maybe 'memorized emotions' is another apt description of depression. We mistreat ourselves when we were mistreated, and continue basking in darkness until someone lifts the blinds. What's the opposite of depression? Impression or creativity might be viable. FREE is the best polar to the mental prison so many live within, but incomplete comparisons serve as the portal to paradox. Let the light out and be a prism. Leonard Cohen said light comes in through our cracks, but I suspect our cracks let the light out. Were it only from the inside-out, when we are alone, we will not survive. Root need warmth, not light. Foliage needs light, and I suppose warmth, of course, but roots NEED darkness. BALANCE is the key to happiness. In sickness and in health.

12/1/16.  The following is just random thoughts I was having yesterday.  I'll develop the ideas later.  

Lowering the heat of a negative passion.

We’ve been walking on water for so long and complaining about why God isn’t helping us all the while not knowing we were okay. The problem Peter head as he became aware he was walking on water and as soon as he realized it messed with his mind.

I am not going to allow any thought to go by unchecked that I would want to create as a future.  I was rehearsing mentally and preparing my body for the experience ahead of the actual experience.

Faith is evidence of the possible, hopes for things not seen.  Good or bad, sometimes faith develops first unseen and then seen.  Repetition is a mother of all learning. Repetitive negative or stressful thoughts, evidence is shown, can make someone sick. Perhaps repetitive/stressful thoughts lead to the memorization of the negative emotions that grow from unhealthy soil cultivated in a sick environment. When these emotions become strong enough they can kill us. We know that stress over a long period of time shortens life. Stress creates cortisone and depresses the brain which in turn buries the brain deeper and the problems that itself has created. Unlearning emotions that we have memorized over a great many years might not be so easily remedied. If it takes 10 years to walk in the forest, don’t be surprised if it might take 10 years to walk back out. I’m convinced that once we become conscious of the habits we acquired unconsciously, we can abbreviate the time it takes to heal from our self-induced trauma.

One of the apparent mysteries of life is how to people working in the same factory around carcinogenic materials can react differently to the same materials. One gets cancer, and the other doesn’t. Why is this? Why is it that a person with multiple personality disorder in one personality type might be allergic to latex and in the other personality be allergic to nylon? Perhaps the memorized emotion of smoking cigarettes is more addictive than the nicotine therein. We think we are addicted, and therefore we are. I think, therefore, I am. But what happens when emotion proceeds thought? A child feels long before they ever have the ability to coalesce a thought into any structure that we might consider reasonable or tangible. The feelings were long intact before they ordered their first words. Since feeling is first, e.e. cummings wrote, who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you.  We can believe in a thing before we think about it. If we love without reservation, without analyzing everything, and focus on wellness in any given relationship whether was someone else or with ourselves, the likelihood of our experiencing wellness in that relationship are within ourselves multiplies exponentially. If our thoughts or emotions can make us sick, perhaps our thoughts and emotions can conversely make us well.

When you ask a serious question of yourself, if the answer is not immediate, suspend your discomfort, sit down, clear your mind and wait until the answer comes.  The answer is within you if you will just wait for it. Often times people get a cell phone call, go watch TV, get distracted by Monday and tasks that have the illusion of capturing our elusive state. By asking those questions, the mind taps into a stream of consciousness, and that stream of consciousness then proceeds to reveal insights to the questioning mind. The mind that thinks it has the answer severs its creative connection to that stream of consciousness, and the answer becomes a prison whereas the question becomes a prism. Creating a new ideal of oneself requires a magnificently but faith. It’s like jumping off a cliff into the unknown and building a parachute on the way down or discovering your of wings or discovering that gravity was an illusion first place.