Why Some People Don't Commit Suicide

“As someone who has been living with severe suicidal ideation my entire life I wanna tell you all something, you don’t have to stay alive for yourself. People will say it’s a bad idea to live for external things because they’re temporary, and it’s true living for yourself is ideal but if you’re not to that point yet that’s ok too.

I’ve lived for my dog for the past 4 years, before that I lived for my snakes, before that I lived for my cat. You can live for whatever needs you and whatever matters to you. Live for your best friend, live for your plants, live for your pets, live for your animal crossing town. Live for whatever keeps you alive and the day will come when you can live for yourself.”

The foregoing quote was from Source Unknown, but here’s the hyperlink:  https://kaitlinliveshere.tumblr.com/post/161206931985/stillstreetjoshua-bpdzoldyck-as-someone-who:

This is something everyone should think about.

While traffic might be One-Way, 'the suicidal road most traveled' itself still goes both directions. What I mean is, if something goes one way, it also goes the other way. Sometimes to love others, for example, we have to love ourselves first. But that's not how it worked for me and I bet for others who have grappled with suicidal ideations in their lives.

Here’s my version of reality.  Others loved me first. Their love was planted in my life, like installing an App maybe, I dunno, say it how you will. The seed of love they planted was protected, germinated, and turned to the flower of love, and then continued growing along spiritual lines within me until it blossomed; my new seeds were caught on the winds of organic promise and life took on new meaning.

Sometimes, to love ourselves, we have to first be loved. I think there's even a Bible verse (I like the word 'verse' because it reminds me of poetry or song) which reads that we love for we were first loved (by God). But however one views it, I contend that love begets love and hate begets hate. When ‘my spirit of love’ leaves me for a pet, a friend, a fellow suicidal sufferer, an insect or bird caught in trouble and needing a hand to secure its freedom, I’m there.  But if I'm dead, I can't help.

When I was suicidal, I stayed alive for two main reasons.

1)      I turned my life over to God as I understand God, and couldn’t steal my life from God.

2)      if I killed myself, I knew I couldn't be there to love someone who wanted to kill themselves. I needed to stay alive FOR THEM. So yeah, it goes both ways, for sure.

I reads a dozen books on suicide during this Dark Night of the Soul. One audiobook by Caroline Myss, “Spiritual Madness” stood out among the rest, while one softcover book, The Dark Night of the Soul, by Gerald Mays, helped me see my grief as necessary, even beautiful. Others lived for me until I could live for myself.  That is, others loved me until I could love myself. After healing enough to start living a relatively ‘normal’ life, I was gifted a CD by a Shaman, Martín Prechtel, titled, Grief and Praise. He said in a few hours what it took years for me to grasp. His stories that were profoundly precious and life-sustaining.

The suicidal-ideations-time frame is different for us all, it seems. Some migrate past it in a year, but me, I wanted to die every day, all day, for 2 1/2 years. Then I only wanted to die a few times a day for the next year (which was huge progress). So, 3 1/2 years later, I finished a poem about transmuting my Dark Night of the Soul, titled ‘Phoenix’ (originally titled, “Broken”).  That poem took some serious work to mature.

I wouldn't trade any or all of that painful period for anything. It made me go deep and the gifts of grief were and still remain immeasurable. Grief is Love and praise. No grief, no love. If you have plumbed the soul of sorrow, I’m glad you made it long enough to read these words. Sometimes, it's a second-at-a-time, then an hour at a time, then a day at a time, etc.